6 Habits for Happy Lives & Marriages

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

I came across this awesome visual from the Greater Good Science Center (GGSC) on 6 Habits of Happiness Worth Cultivating, and I think it has great applications for marriage as well. Cultivate these 6 habits for a happier life and a happier marriage.

1. Practice Kindness. Yes, it’s an important life habit, but it also makes you feel good. “Altrustic acts light up the same pleasure centers in the brain as food and sex,” according to GGSC. Many people stop there, but they end up being kinder to the checker at the grocery store than to their spouse at home. Or at least we would never say things to our friends that we are willing to say in anger to our spouse. Ouch. Kindness will pay great dividends in the long run. Say “please” and “thank you” for starters. Offer to help, especially when your spouse is stressed. Give an extra hug and kiss, just because.
2. Drop Grudges. As I wrote in First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, forgiveness is just as much a gift for the giver as the receiver. Offering forgiveness to those who have wronged us takes away the bitterness that can rob us of health and wellbeing. This goes double in a marriage, when grudges are very detrimental. If a past hurt from our spouse is important, discuss how you feel hurt and explain what would make you feel better. But figure out how to get past it.
3. Get Moving. GGSC reports that “regular exercise increases self-esteem, reduces anxiety and stress, and may well be the most effective instant happiness booster of all.” Why not do something active with your spouse? You’ll both benefit from the increased oxytocin release, you’ll both be doing something good for your health, and you’ll be spending quality time together.
4. Give Thanks. Lots of research has shown the benefits of living with gratitude, and I’ve written a good deal about it. “Regular expressions of gratitude promote optimism, better health, and greater satisfaction with life,” says GGSC. Research also shows that couples who express gratitude toward one another and who spending time being thankful for their spouse and thinking positively about him or her are also more satisfied with their relationship. Read “Two words that have improved my marriage.”
5. Keep Friends Close. “Make time for those closest to you,” says GGSC. That means regular, dedicated, uninterrupted face time with your spouse. No excuses. Remember that your spouse can’t meet all your emotional needs, so spend time with close friends as a way to boost your happiness and bring a brighter you to your marriage.
6. Pay Attention. The idea of being more mindful as a means of boosting immunity and reducing anxiety is not one commonly discussed. But in our world of multitasking and ubiquitous social media, it’s so key. How many minutes a day to we spend completely engaged with our spouse, listening or discussing meaningful issues in our lives?

What are the most important habits you feel cultivates your personal happiness and your relationship happiness?

Order in time for Valentine’s Day: First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage , which tells the stories of a dozen amazing couples who used adversity to improve their marriage. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Sony, Nook or PDF. If you already have the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Avoid these 5 regrets by living and loving to the fullest

As you set plans and goals for this year, perhaps you seek inspiration about the kind of life you hope to live—one filled with passion and purpose. Let’s hope that life includes a life with awesome relationships to boot.

A palliative care nurse named Bronnie Ware recently wrote about the top five regrets people make on their deathbeds. (See her post here.) They are keen reminders of what’s important, and they have great applications to marriage.

1. “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected.” Bronnie says this was the most common regret. Have you been honest with yourself about the life you want to lead and the dreams you want to pursue? Talk to your spouse about these dreams, including your dreams for your marriage and family life. Live out your personal values, not those of the culture around you. For example, if travel is important to you, figure out how to scale back your lifestyle to provide more funds and time for adventures, or look for a job abroad so you can travel while getting paid. Follow your dreams while you are still healthy enough to do so.
2. “I wish I didn’t work so hard.” Bronnie says all the older men spoke of missing their children’s youth, and men and women also talked of missing their partner’s companionship due to work. We often fall into the trap that work is what we have to do, and family life gets squeezed into the space that is left. But Bronnie suggests, “By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do…you become happier and more open to new opportunities.

 I would add that in addition to simplifying, learning to say no to some things (or even most things) opens doors for the important things. I watched a short interview today by John Acuff (while I was “wasting time” on Facebook) in which he explains why it’s important to let some people down in order to not let down the important ones in our lives. If you don’t have time to pursue all the great things you want to in live, I strongly encourage you to watch it on ABC News.

3. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” The way to have true and meaningful relationships is to be ourselves.
4. “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” Married and single people can benefit greatly by keeping strong friendships. Research says social interactions increase our happiness and longevity. Caroline says many of the dying didn’t realize the value in their friendships until their dying weeks when the friendships were lost. What friendships are important for you to cultivate? How do you invest your time and energy into these relationships?  All that remains in the final weeks is love and relationships, says Caroline.
5. “I wish that I had let myself be happier.” While she explains many people on their deathbeds realized too late that happiness was a choice, I think that is equally true for marriage. We can focus on our partner’s great qualities or the things that annoy us. We can think about unmet needs or express gratitude for what we receive in love. We can choose to be happy together, or we can focus on the imperfections that are always a part of human life and love.

What are the choices you are making with your time and your attitude this year? I’ve always thought regrets are the worst possible emotion. What do you hope to feel as you look back on your life, and what are the regrets you hope to avoid?

If you enjoyed this post, sign up for free updates at MarriageGems.com. For information about Lori’s book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage, visit Amazon.com or LoriDLowe.com.

Photo by Ambro courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

Does Your Marriage Have Areas for Improvement?

If you are hoping to improve or even maintain your relationship in 2012, it may help to know what the major sources of conflict are. What do couples fight most about, and can you assess your personal behavior in these areas to ensure you are not contributing to that conflict?

The Science of Relationships provides the Top 15 Sources of Conflict in Relationships with a brief explanation of each that I think is very helpful. It includes everything from being inconsiderate to poor grooming. First, ask yourself what the most common conflict topics are in your relationship, then check the list. Be honest about an area in which you might be able to improve. This isn’t the time to blame your partner, but rather to look a way you might take some responsibility for a bit of self-improvement. Personally, I hope to improve my daily efforts toward generosity this year.

For some additional helpful reading, The Generous Husband’s Paul Byerly has done a good job dissecting The State of Our Unions: Marriage in America 2011—research completed by the National Marriage Project. This is the research I wrote about recently in which generosity in marriage is said to be the best indicator of a very happy marriage. There’s much more to the study. Paul explains the findings on Money and Housework, which show happier husbands and wives are part of couples for which household chores are shared equally. In addition, the study showed that financial pressure and debt decrease our marital happiness. No matter what our income, increased consumer debt is a hindrance to a happy marriage, particularly for women. He also reports on the impact of family and friends in marriage, which reminds us we should be connecting with those who support our marriage, and preferably spend time with others who have strong marriages. Finally, this is an interesting bit about the importance of shared faith within a marriage. If these reports are interesting to you, check out the full study results. (See link at beginning of paragraph.)

What area of your marriage could use some tweaking—or a complete overhaul—this coming year? Perhaps how you communicate, how you manage your finances, how you share your faith, how you share housework or raise your children, how you manage your time or your home, how you show affection, your sexual satisfaction with one another, making time to spend each day with each other? The options are nearly endless, but discuss one area with your partner in which you both will make an effort to improve, will seek out tools for improvement, and will provide honest and productive feedback with each other. If you have particular topics you would like more information about, please message me or leave it in the comments and I will provide expert insights and research-based tips for you.

For all those who celebrate the Christmas holiday this coming week, I wish you all the blessings and joy of the season. I hope for you a holiday with minimal stress and abounding love. And I wish peace and joy to all of you and to your families and friends. Thank you for allowing me into your lives.

NOTE:
My new book, First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage is now available. Go here for links to Amazon print version or e-books for Kindle, iTunes, Nook or e-book. If you’ve already bought the book, don’t forget to email me for your 7 free marriage improvement gifts, including everything from an e-book to improve your sex-life to date night suggestions, an iPhone app with daily marriage tips, a marriage refresher workbook, a video to hone your communication skills, and tips for how to connect on a daily basis with your spouse in just 15 minutes a day.

Photo by Arvydas Kriuksta courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net.

What Do You Expect from Your Marriage and Mate?

Have you heard the story of the high profile female lawyer who was in a “state of desperation” about her marriage—bringing in the majority of the family income, raising two daughters, working full-time and rarely seeing her husband who was serving as a state senator?  She constantly criticized her husband and reminded him that his role as a politician paid very little and would likely lead nowhere. Why did he get to pursue his dream, while she did all the hard work of child rearing and family support?

Then Michelle Obama had an epiphany. She remembered why she fell in love with her husband, Barack. She realized she couldn’t change him and certainly liked what he was about. While she needed more support, she realized she could get that support from people other than Barack, such as her mother. She solved her biggest concerns on her own.

This story was just one snippet of a very interesting article from Psychology Today called “The Expectations Trap,” which explains that very few couples are able to come to the same kind of realization before destroying their relationship. Expectations are often born out of a cultural phenomenon that causes us all to daily evaluate how our needs are being met. In addition, we are regularly transferring “desires” into the “needs” column, making it more difficult to satisfy our so-called needs.

Andrew Cherlin, author of The Marriage-Go-Round, says our relative affluence has created additional choices for us all. “The result is an ongoing self-appraisal of how your personal life is going…You get used to the idea of always making choices to improve your happiness.” The interesting part about this is that negative emotions get priority processing in our brains, while the positive emotions get pushed back. So, if we have 20 things we are happy about, and 1 thing we’re unhappy about, guess which one gets our focus?  This process is causing us to be less, rather than more, satisfied with our relationships.

Cherlin adds that we tend to look upon any unhappiness we experience—whatever the source—as a failure of our partner to satisfy our longings. It’s our expectation of perfection, not our spouse, that is often to blame.

Family therapist and author Pat Love adds to the article, saying marriage is now about how it makes us feel rather than about what we do.

So, when we aren’t “feeling” super about our life and love, we may begin to say “this is not what I signed up for” or “I deserve better.” We may even convince ourselves that we are tragic figures in this thing called life. Everyday disappointments become intolerable aspects of life, says William Doherty, author and professor of family sciences at the University of Minnesota.

As in the case of Michelle Obama, it would have been much more typical for her to believe hers was a case of giving much more than she was getting, or becoming a tragic figure of being a super mom and breadwinner wife with not enough support from her husband. It would have been much more typical for her to file for divorce or give an ultimatum rather than to change her own behavior. But things did turn out OK for them, and that dead-end job didn’t turn out to be quite what she believed.

Solutions:

The article suggests many solutions Marriage Gems has offered in the past but bear repeating:

• Spend time together in new, interesting or challenging activities. Dance, play games, or even have interesting conversations together to enhance closeness and increase passionate love and feelings of commitment.
• Pat Love’s advice is to “get over yourself” and to grow up. Mature individuals are needed for a happy, mature marriage.
• Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship and don’t over-emphasize the negative.
• Remember there’s no perfect person for you, and even if you could find a perfect person, they wouldn’t be the same over time. But you and your partner can help each other become more perfect with mutual support and love.

Photo courtesy of Stockvault by Bina Sveda

The Biggest Marriage Myth of All and How it Could Ruin Your Relationship

Last week, I talked about Five Marriage Myths shared by Scott Haltzman, M.D., in the Secrets of Happily Married Women. The last myth was the biggee, and I wanted to devote a full post to it. Dr. Haltzman says, “assuming infidelity, violence or addiction are not the problem, marriage myth 5, above all others, is the greatest cause of unhappiness in marriage.

Myth 5: If your marriage makes you unhappy, the best solution is to get out. 

Dr. Haltzman says a Centers for Disease Control poll from 2006 showed 44 percent of men and 50 percent of women agreed with the above statement. It seems odd to me (and to many who are committed to marriage) that “get out” would be the best solution to being unhappy when there are so many causes of unhappiness and so many possible solutions. Of course, most couples don’t take divorce lightly, but the point is it’s not seen as a last resort. Don’t look at an “unhappy marriage” as an unchangeable situation.

The good doctor (a psychologist and a marriage therapist with more than twenty years of experience) goes on to report that the top three reasons cited by women who initiate divorce (and let’s face it, women initiate two-thirds of divorces) are 1) gradual growing apart, 2) serious differences in lifestyle and/or values, and 3) not feeling loved or appreciated by my husband.

These seem like big problems on the surface, but Dr. Haltzman and many other marriage experts assert that these are most certainly solvable problems. Taking the first problem first, it’s very likely that we will all have periods where we are closer and periods where we have drifted. That’s the nature of our growth and development as individuals. As one spouse grows in one direction, the other doesn’t necessarily follow the same path or exact course. However, even after drifting apart, a couple who is committed to one another can drift back together with effort.

The second problem (differences in values or lifestyle) can be more severe when the differences relate to drug or alcohol abuse, but he says the majority of couples are not talking about this kind of a severe problem or destructive behavior (which can certainly be justifiable reasons to leave). More often, he says it’s related to how the couple spends money or raises the kids, issues that have many gray areas of disagreement. In these sort of cases, the couple (perhaps with help) may need to listen and learn the basis for one another’s concerns and ideas, see things from one another’s perspectives, learn to compromise more and pick their battles.

On the issue of not feeling loved, “They walk away from marriage because they are no longer feeling happy about the relationship,” says Dr. Haltzman, who adds this category falls under the definition of no-fault divorce. “These feelings are true and honest expressions of personal distress—but…they’re no reason to break the marriage vows,” he says. Instead, it’s often an opportunity to grow and develop with your spouse to create a stronger, happier marriage. There may be a time when a couple needs to focus on the indirect benefits of marriage—such as family security, social comfort, financial advantage, a safe sexual partner, etc., while they work on their marriage. Often, especially when the wife takes the lead, the spark returns while they are both focusing on the positive aspects of their relationship.

Remember our spouse can’t “make us” happy, but we can each take responsibility for creating a positive environment in our marriage and supporting one another as often as possible. Search for something to make you and your spouse feel happy today, then make it a priority. It could be something as simple as a walk together around your own garden, or something as elaborate as a planning a special event or trip for the two of you.

Related Post:

I recently came across a series of articles in Psychology Today by Rachel Clark starting with How I got my ex back—the story of a marriage that reconciled after she read the research on the effects of divorce, followed by part 2 She Blinded Me with Science. Rachel’s experience shows that even after infidelity and divorce occur, there can be hope to reconcile a family. She also conveys why knowledge of the effects of divorce is so important to pass along, since it was strong enough to convince both her and her ex that they had made a huge mistake, but one they worked hard to correct.

 Photo courtesy of Stockvault by Boris A. Nesterov

 

5 Marriage Myths that Keep You from Being Happy

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

It sounds rather simplistic to “Choose happiness,” or “Take charge of your happiness,” but in his book Secrets of Happily Married Women, Scott Haltzman, M.D., suggests we can choose to be happier in our marriages.

To begin with, this means unearthing five marriage myths and explaining why they make it impossible to feel happy in our marriages. These are the five most destructive myths he came across in his practice as a psychologist and marriage therapist. These are particularly true for wives, who initiate two-thirds of U.S. divorces.  However, I think husbands may also fall prey to these myths.

Myth 1: Marriage automatically makes you happy. While it’s true more married people (43 percent) report being happy than unmarried people (24 percent) despite age or gender, marital happiness and personal happiness are separate issues.  Dr. Haltzman says married people must put marital happiness first, considering how their actions and desires affect their partner rather than pursing personal happiness as their priority.

“It is an essential truth that sacrificing one’s own needs for someone else’s is a necessary and worthwhile part of human relationships. When that truth is denied in a marriage, the results can be especially destructive; abandoned spouses and children get left behind in the dust of misguided soul-searching for personal fulfillment focused on ego-driven needs,” he says.

Myth 2: Good marriages are always passionate and heart-throbbing. The number of women who report, “I love him, but I’m not in love with him,” of their husbands is astounding, says Dr. Haltzman. What it means is they have lost their connection or that their love is going through a temporary down phase, not that it is doomed. Falling out of infatuation may also be misconstrued as falling out of love, when the initial passionate loving feelings and heightened hormones dissipate. (Unfortunately, some people never understand this and move from relationship to relationship thinking they have the wrong person.)

Myth 3: In happy marriages, child care and housework are evenly distrusted. If this is a major divisive issue for you, I’d suggest you read the book, particularly chapter 6. There’s not a quick two-sentence explanation, but rather plenty of data and a need to understand the issues women grapple with regarding work and home responsibilities. The fact is that most wives do more household work than their husbands, but many of them have still found a way to be happy.

Myth 4: Both partners are responsible for the level of marital happiness. By taking charge of our own mood and actions, one partner can certainly improve personal happiness and affect his or her spouse, improving happiness within the marriage.

Myth 5: If your marriage makes you unhappy, the best solution is to get out. This very widely held myth is rich enough to write an entire post about, so stay tuned next week, and I’ll do just that. I’ll share Dr. Haltzman’s assessment of the most common causes of divorce that seem hopeless but are indeed solvable, and discuss why this myth may be the greatest cause of unhappiness in marriages.

Sign up for new posts in the right column either via email or RSS feed. Just a reminder, most weeks (unless something more exciting or timely comes up) Marriage Gems provides research-based marriage tips on Mondays, “Happy Life: Happy Marriage” series on Wednesdays, and “Keeping the Sparks Alive” series on Fridays. If you like the blog, please consider sharing with a friend.

2 Controversial Beliefs Author Says are Necessary for Happiness

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

If you think your spouse makes you happy or unhappy, experts would disagree, saying your key relationships are only a small element of your overall happiness. This is a continuing series looking at the underlying contributors to happiness in our lives and marriages.

“Happiness can be attained under virtually any circumstances provided you believe that your life has meaning and purpose,” says Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem. In fact, the need for meaning and purpose is one of the primary distinguishing characteristics of being human, he says.

People derive meaning from two beliefs—the belief that their life has meaning and belief that life itself has meaning. Prager maintains that both beliefs are necessary for happiness, but that some people have both beliefs and others who believe in only one (for example, that their life has meaning but that life itself is essentially meaningless). They may view life and the creation of life as random but have found meaning in their own lives. Prager explains, “On purely logical grounds, I do not see how a meaningless universe can produce meaningful lives, but I well understand why most people who believe in a meaningless universe do not wish to view their own lives in this way.”

This position may be more controversial to those who are secular in their thinking. I know many of the readers here are of various viewpoints, but I didn’t want to censor these points because they are a key element in his advice for finding greater happiness.  I agree with Prager that in my life, both beliefs are important to my happiness. Others may disagree. In any case, he provides advice on how we derive meaning—personal meaning and transcendent meaning.

Personal meaning. We extract meaning from relationships (family and friends), work and causes.

1. Relationships—Your marriage relationship will likely create a great sense of meaning for you, particularly if you have children or a spouse who relies on you. Whatever relationships we have in life, it is in loving and being loved and needed that we add to our sense of belonging and purpose.
2. Work—Work that provides a sense of purpose and importance unrelated to compensation tends to add to our personal meaning. When work is not particularly meaningful, it doesn’t contribute much to our happiness.
3. A Cause—Attachment to a cause can be very powerful, both for good and for bad. Some people dedicate themselves to a cause because they lack personal relationships and other sources of meaning. A cause that is noble can lead to increased happiness and meaning. A cause that is less than noble can be harmful. (Think of all the people who chose to join Hitler’s cause.)

Prager says the cause that has given more people meaning and happiness than any other is religion, which can be the most powerful force for both good and evil, but that most religions have done more good than harm. He adds that the decline of religion in our era means that millions of people are looking elsewhere for causes to provide meaning, including racism, Communism, and Nazism. “Causes are great meaning-givers, but they are best for the world when the people who attach themselves to those causes derive essential meaning in their lives from human relationships, not from the cause itself. The biographies of human monsters…are virtually all biographies of loners.”

Transcendent meaning. Does the modern secular world undermine our sense of happiness?

Prager doesn’t argue that he can prove one way of viewing the world is correct (a purposeful universe vs. a random one), but does point out the consequences of the two views. “As much as we may find our work, family, friends, and social causes a source of meaning, a secular universe means that there is no ultimate meaning to any of these things…While the dominant intellectual view of our time posits that the less thoughtful individuals are those who most need religion, in fact it is the thinker who most needs religion. For at least in theory, the nonthinker can be happy solely by experiencing life’s pleasures and personal meaning, but the thinker knows that pleasures and personal meaning alone do not answer the human yearning for a meaningful universe.”

In sum, Prager advises if we want to be a happy person, before acting, we must ask ourselves, “Is it meaningful?” The struggle is often within ourselves—knowing the right choice but choosing the more enticing one.

What do you think about the two beliefs? Do you share one or both of them? Do you think they are necessary for your happiness?

How Important is Love to Happiness?

Four in five adults of all ages rate love as important to their happiness. And it turns out those in loving relationships do enjoy greater wellbeing than those who are single. (This despite our culture glorifying the endless positives of remaining unattached.) Fewer than 25 percent of unmarried adults say they are “very happy” but 40 percent of married adults say they are.

David Myers, PhD, in The Pursuit of Happiness, cites the above research and says even more important than being married is the marriage’s quality.  While women suffer more emotional disturbances in a stressed marriage than do their husbands, wives also report slightly greater happiness across all marriages. Researchers suspect this is because women find more joy in positive, close relationships than men do.

Further, most married people say their marriages are happy. Myers says three out of four in the U.S. say their spouse is their best friend. (This seems high to me, but I’d agree with it in my marriage.) And this relationship happiness carries over into their overall life happiness.

Why are married people happier? Marriage is likely to provide an enduring supportive relationship, and married people are less likely to suffer loneliness. Those who parent together may experience additional stresses, yet also receive additional rewards from their roles as parents.

While I completely agree that my marriage has made me a happier person, I also strongly believe that we as individuals control most of our happiness. When we are happy on our own, that happiness tends to bleed into our relationship. We’re more interesting to be with, more supportive and more engaging when we have a life we enjoy.

A National Opinion Research Center study found that nearly six in ten Americans who rate their marriage as very happy also rate their life as very happy.  And among those NOT in a happy marriage, only one in ten say their overall life is very happy. A bad marriage is worse than no marriage, and loneliness within marriage can be the loneliest feeling of all.

 When we are unhappy as individuals, we tend to project on our partners that they aren’t supportive enough or don’t understand our needs. But the truth may be that we are in a life transition, or have lost a loved one, or in one way or another are struggling with our life or identity. Our marriage or spouse shouldn’t have the burden of “making us happy”. Instead, we can enrich and enjoy our lives more fully because of the close, intimate relationship we share.

If you think you are unhappy in your relationship, consider that you may need to make improvements in your own individual life to improve happiness. For example, a person who feels overworked and underappreciated in their job may bring those feelings into their home and feel taken advantage of across the board.

Myers says to avoid two mistakes in thinking if you aim to have a happy marriage. First, even if you’re newlyweds, don’t take a successful marriage for granted. “Unless nurtured carefully, the relationship you counted on for love and happiness may leave you crushed, lonely, feeling like a failure, or trudging hopelessly along, resigned to your despair.” (Ouch.) Conversely, don’t be overly pessimistic saying marriages seldom last, so why should I commit, invest and work on my marriage? A positive attitude channeled by a wariness of real dangers offers the best chance at a happy relationship, he concludes.

So, is this a chicken and the egg question? “Which comes first personal or marital happiness?” I think they feed on each other, but the personal happiness ideally comes first. What do you think?

Photo courtesy of PhotoXpress.com

Feeling Loved Makes You Less Materialistic

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

The more one feels loved and accepted by others, the lower the monetary value they will place on their material goods. A March 2011 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology revealed that heightened interpersonal security diminishes the monetary value of possessions.

Two studies involved researchers giving simple items to participants—a pen or a blanket. When participants were asked about their social support or primed with security-related words, they placed a lower monetary value on the items received than if the researchers used positive or neutral language. Placing a focus on relationships caused the material item to have less value.

For individuals who are trying to be less materialistic, get control of their finances, or who have difficulty getting rid of their stuff, this research may be a helpful way to reduce the perceived value of our “things”. Focusing more on our interpersonal relationships makes us realize the greater importance of relationships in our lives over our stuff. Think about your loved ones before you clean out those closets or go on a shopping spree.

Looking back on our lives, I know that we will evaluate the quality of our lives more by the quality of our relationships than by the quality of our shoes. Yet, many of us still fall into the trap of feeling that we need bigger and higher-end things to make us feel better. We think we should take the promotion and higher pay, even if it may cause our marriage to weaken because of the extra travel and long hours. But if we understood happiness research, we would think twice about using monetary wealth to attempt to increase our individual or family happiness.

In fact, research has demonstrated that people measure their happiness by the quality of their personal relationships. Even if other aspects of their lives, such as career and financial life, are going poorly, they will say life is going well if their personal relationships are strong. However, if relationships are weak and individuals feel unloved and unsupported, they will report being unhappy even if their job and other life factors are going well. We know this intuitively, don’t we?

The obvious conclusion is that if we want to be happier, we should look for ways to improve the relationships with the people in our lives with whom we are closest. Having a loving, supportive relationship with our spouse, children, parents and close friends will insulate us from much of the unhappiness of the world. Many people find a close relationship with their God allows them to rise above the cares of the world.

Those who have lost a special loved one will attest that they would trade everything they have for more time with that person.  Yet our culture places a very high value on our external appearance, supported by material goods, i.e. clothing, cars, and homes. We all have to choose how to invest our limited time and limited funds. Each day we can make new choices.

Do you agree that having better relationships makes you happier? Do you find you struggle to dedicate time to improving your interpersonal relationships even though you understand the value proposition? Do you find that focusing on relationships causes you to value things less?

LINKS:
For all those dog lovers, read about how a dog helped a man save his marriage–and his life.

Photo: Courtesy of PhotoXpress.com

Focusing on What’s Missing in Life Can Cause You to Miss What’s There

Happy Life, Happy Marriage Series

If you’re looking at a tiled ceiling or floor and one tile is missing, your eye will be drawn to that missing tile, and you’ll continue to focus on that missing tile rather than the rest of the tiles. Dennis Prager calls this the “Missing Tile Syndrome” and says it explains why many of us focus on what is missing in our lives instead of what we have. This tendency causes us much unhappiness. Let me explain.

The problem is that in life, we will always have something missing, and even when we don’t, we may imagine a more perfect and complete life.

Sometimes a lack in ourselves may focus on what others have that we don’t. If we want a flat stomach, we notice people with flat stomachs. If we want perfect hair or radiant skin, we notice others with perfect hair or radiant skin. If we want fancy clothes, we notice others with fancy clothes. If we want to become pregnant, we see pregnant bellies everywhere. But we are creating our own unhappiness by focusing on what others have that we do not.

We frequently impose the missing tile syndrome on others as well, figuring out what trait they have that is missing rather than focusing on the traits they have that are strong. In Happiness is a Serious Problem, Prager shared that when he was seeking a mate, this was exactly what he did. After each date with a different woman, he would identify her missing trait. He’d call his friend and say he figured out the most important trait he was looking for, and it was always the one the recent date lacked—whether intelligence or attractiveness or sense of humor. It took his friend to point out his habit for him to embarrasingly realize what a destructive one it was.

I admit sometimes I focus on the attributes my children do not have (which I think are critical at the moment) rather than on the great characteristics they do have. I do it with my husband at times, and even more frequently with myself. Sometimes I wish I had more talent, other times longer legs, more patience, greater creativity—the list goes on and on.

If we are unhappy with ourselves, it’s extremely difficult to be the perfect mate for our partner. And if we are picking others apart, it’s nearly impossible for them to appear right for us at the same time.

Prager sums it up well: “It is human nature to concentrate on what is missing and deem it the Most Important Trait. Unless we teach ourselves to concentrate on what we do have, we will end up obsessing over missing tiles and allow them to become insurmountable obstacles to happiness.”

Possible Solutions
Now that we know this is a problem and realize its power in our lives, what can we do to minimize its effect? Whether you perceive something is missing in your life or in your marriage, follow these steps:

1)       Clarify what you perceive to be the missing item in your life (or marriage), or what you think may be troubling you.

2)      Decide if this missing item is central to your happiness or whether you can be happy without it. From here, you can either “get it, forget it, or replace it.”

3)      If the item is within your power to obtain, and it is central to your happiness, focus on how you might “get it.” Examples might include wanting a high school or college diploma, finding a mate, having another child, spending more time with your spouse, or moving to another state.

4)      If the item is not within your power, do your best to “forget it” or at least to try not to think about it as much. Examples might include lamenting a past failed relationship or (as in the author’s case) wishing he didn’t have to share custody of his child and see him only half time. There are items in our lives that will always bother us, but we may need to stop focusing so much attention on them and make the best of what we do have. If it bothers you that your husband doesn’t do dishes, but he’s a good husband who helps in other ways and doesn’t like to do dishes, think about forgetting that fault and moving on.

5)      Replace your missing item with something else. It reminds me of the star athletes who are injured and who go on to have successful, inspiring careers in another field. Focusing on the inability to play football would only increase unhappiness, while creating a new dream helps bring fulfillment. Similarly, I’ve known individuals who were unable to have their own children, but who used increased time devoted to nieces and nephews as a way to fill their lives with the joy of children. There can be less important repacements as well. Maybe you always dreamed of having a wife who is a great cook, and yours doesn’t enjoy cooking, but she is a generous wife and mother. Think about the reasons why you chose your wife instead. 

The solutions may not be perfect, but they can bring you closer to a happy life. You may even find the new path brings you in exciting new directions you never expected. Do you recognize the Missing Tile Syndrome in your life?

Photo credit: ©Adrian Hillman/PhotoXpress.com