Focusing on What’s Missing in Life Can Cause You to Miss What’s There

Happy Life, Happy Marriage Series

If you’re looking at a tiled ceiling or floor and one tile is missing, your eye will be drawn to that missing tile, and you’ll continue to focus on that missing tile rather than the rest of the tiles. Dennis Prager calls this the “Missing Tile Syndrome” and says it explains why many of us focus on what is missing in our lives instead of what we have. This tendency causes us much unhappiness. Let me explain.

The problem is that in life, we will always have something missing, and even when we don’t, we may imagine a more perfect and complete life.

Sometimes a lack in ourselves may focus on what others have that we don’t. If we want a flat stomach, we notice people with flat stomachs. If we want perfect hair or radiant skin, we notice others with perfect hair or radiant skin. If we want fancy clothes, we notice others with fancy clothes. If we want to become pregnant, we see pregnant bellies everywhere. But we are creating our own unhappiness by focusing on what others have that we do not.

We frequently impose the missing tile syndrome on others as well, figuring out what trait they have that is missing rather than focusing on the traits they have that are strong. In Happiness is a Serious Problem, Prager shared that when he was seeking a mate, this was exactly what he did. After each date with a different woman, he would identify her missing trait. He’d call his friend and say he figured out the most important trait he was looking for, and it was always the one the recent date lacked—whether intelligence or attractiveness or sense of humor. It took his friend to point out his habit for him to embarrasingly realize what a destructive one it was.

I admit sometimes I focus on the attributes my children do not have (which I think are critical at the moment) rather than on the great characteristics they do have. I do it with my husband at times, and even more frequently with myself. Sometimes I wish I had more talent, other times longer legs, more patience, greater creativity—the list goes on and on.

If we are unhappy with ourselves, it’s extremely difficult to be the perfect mate for our partner. And if we are picking others apart, it’s nearly impossible for them to appear right for us at the same time.

Prager sums it up well: “It is human nature to concentrate on what is missing and deem it the Most Important Trait. Unless we teach ourselves to concentrate on what we do have, we will end up obsessing over missing tiles and allow them to become insurmountable obstacles to happiness.”

Possible Solutions
Now that we know this is a problem and realize its power in our lives, what can we do to minimize its effect? Whether you perceive something is missing in your life or in your marriage, follow these steps:

1)       Clarify what you perceive to be the missing item in your life (or marriage), or what you think may be troubling you.

2)      Decide if this missing item is central to your happiness or whether you can be happy without it. From here, you can either “get it, forget it, or replace it.”

3)      If the item is within your power to obtain, and it is central to your happiness, focus on how you might “get it.” Examples might include wanting a high school or college diploma, finding a mate, having another child, spending more time with your spouse, or moving to another state.

4)      If the item is not within your power, do your best to “forget it” or at least to try not to think about it as much. Examples might include lamenting a past failed relationship or (as in the author’s case) wishing he didn’t have to share custody of his child and see him only half time. There are items in our lives that will always bother us, but we may need to stop focusing so much attention on them and make the best of what we do have. If it bothers you that your husband doesn’t do dishes, but he’s a good husband who helps in other ways and doesn’t like to do dishes, think about forgetting that fault and moving on.

5)      Replace your missing item with something else. It reminds me of the star athletes who are injured and who go on to have successful, inspiring careers in another field. Focusing on the inability to play football would only increase unhappiness, while creating a new dream helps bring fulfillment. Similarly, I’ve known individuals who were unable to have their own children, but who used increased time devoted to nieces and nephews as a way to fill their lives with the joy of children. There can be less important repacements as well. Maybe you always dreamed of having a wife who is a great cook, and yours doesn’t enjoy cooking, but she is a generous wife and mother. Think about the reasons why you chose your wife instead. 

The solutions may not be perfect, but they can bring you closer to a happy life. You may even find the new path brings you in exciting new directions you never expected. Do you recognize the Missing Tile Syndrome in your life?

Photo credit: ©Adrian Hillman/PhotoXpress.com

The Formula for Unhappiness is Revealed: U = I – R

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

The images we have created from our earliest memories regarding how our lives and our marriages should be have incredible bearing on our happiness, or rather our unhappiness.

Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem, says these images are so powerful “that you can almost measure your unhappiness by the difference between your images and your reality.”  U = I – R  (Amount of unhappiness equals images minus reality.)

This is a useful concept whether we are comparing our ideal career with what we currently have, our ideal body with our current body, our ideal spouse with our current spouse, our ideal family with our current family, or our ideal income with our current income.

It’s curious where and when our ideal images were constructed. Many of them may be based on childhood notions, fiction (fairytale love stories in books and movies or TV), or simply dreamed up in our own little noggins.

What is the solution to this problematic formula? Prager suggests “unhappiness can be reduced by either dropping your images and celebrating your reality or keeping your images and changing your reality.” That seems easier said than done, and neither is recommended more than the other. In fact, both may be needed. Certainly, if our reality is a positive one and we realize our expectations and ideal images are not at all realistic, then we ought to try to revise our images. On the other hand, if our reality really bites, then attempts to change that would be the better course. Many times, there may be elements of our reality we’d like to improve, but certain images that we really need to scrap.

Prager offers a poignant example from his own life, sharing that when he was growing up there were no examples of divorce, so when he married, he married for life, believing that he would achieve his image of a loving family with four children around the dinner table. When his own marriage imploded after five years, and he became a divorced father of a three-year-old child, he viewed his life as complete failure. He also failed to achieve his ideal family with four children. In time, he learned to celebrate (not just accept) his new family after remarrying and becoming a step-father to another child, and later having a third child. He was able to do this only by removing the images that he had previously held onto as mandatory for happiness.

Many of us seem to rotate our ideal images. One day we think being a successful career mom is ideal, and the next we think staying home with the children would be perfect. One day we want to be at the top of the corporate ladder, and the next we want to be successful entrepreneurs. Media and cultural influences have also shaped what we think our own bodies should look like, and what our partner should look like. Sometimes we are motivated by these images to make healthy choices toward proper diet and exercise, and sometimes we are driven to self-loathing or to point out our partner’s minor flaws.

Images are not necessarily harmful. Although I was a child of divorce, I created images for an intact, healthy family life that helped me find a mate and build my own family. Others may be inspired by positive role models in movies, books or in real life.

I think it’s helpful to ask, “Do your images help you achieve happiness, or do they ensure your unhappiness?” The answer to that question will reveal whether your images are helping or hurting you. Are they driving you to a better life, or are they making it impossible for you to be satisfied?

We may not even realize the expectations we have are incongruent. For example, I confess I don’t watch the Bachelor, but I read an article in which the current bachelor was being criticized for saying he was looking for an independent career-oriented woman, but then selecting only women who would relocate to his city and be a traditional wife. Are there men who want a wife at home cooking and cleaning, but also want her to be a working professional and bring in a good income? Sure. Are there women who want a strong, take-charge, high-level businessman, but then become upset when he’s not available to travel frequently and spend as much time at home? When our mate isn’t living up to one or more of our ideal images, we tend to think maybe they aren’t right for us after all. (Read We all married the wrong person.)

Sometimes it’s our images and expectations that may be far enough from our reality that we are preventing our happiness. Maybe our job isn’t what we would love right now, but it’s allowing us to have the kind of family life we want. Or maybe our house isn’t always spotless, but with two working parents, we realize we have to live with an occasional mess. Or maybe we realize our spouse is imperfect, just as we are. Instead of looking for the perfect marriage, maybe we should try to create some perfect moments, some perfect experiences, and some perfect memories. If we can appreciate our spouses for who they are and not who we fantasize them to be, we have a better chance of making those perfect memories.

Are there images that you’ve been holding onto that have either helped you in life or kept you from being as happy as you could be?

Photo Credit: ©Tina A./PhotoXpress.com

Can Your Mind Change Your World?

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

Entire philosophies and religions have been built upon the idea that by changing our mind, we can change our lives—that the secret to a more prosperous life is just being open to greater prosperity. That believing you have a great marriage will help you get there.

We are inundated with messages from popular psychology telling us how to achieve success without action, but with a new way of thinking (sometimes called New Age thinking). Various books offer new prescriptions. “Pull a few psychic levers, believe the best about yourself, assert yourself, and happiness will be yours,” says the tongue-in-cheek David Myers, PhD, in The Pursuit of Happiness. In fact, just today, I read a post from a counselor stating that we can indeed change our lives using the power of our minds.

I would say we can control our perception of life, and we can even make our lives considerably happier. Our minds, and even our spirits, are powerful. However, we can’t prevent disease and earthquakes or erase evil from the planet.

I would also mention that I disagree with philosophies and religious that suggest the “individual as God” mentality in which we can control the world around us. For people of faith, that is unbiblical. And for people of science, it’s unproven. Certain celebrities promote this way of thinking, and I think it’s tempting for many to think they can gain wealth and influence and achieve their dreams by sitting in their bathrooms and thinking positive thoughts. I do believe we can achieve our dreams, but we have to use our minds and our actions as well as positive thoughts.

We do know the mind can affect our bodies, sometimes dramatically. For example, the placebo effect is well-known: if people think they are taking an effective treatment, their body is more likely to heal, even if they are taking a sugar pill. If doctors can make patients believe they will become well, some of them will become well as a result, even with no other treatment. In addition, optimists have been shown to heal faster after surgery and to respond to stress better than pessimists (responding with smaller blood pressure increases). We know that relaxation, meditation and optimism promote healing, says Myers.

But research has been unable to prove that we can change the world around us with positive thinking (and draw those millions of dollars that we deserve to us)—just as we can’t change our spouse with positive thinking. However, I think that focusing on feelings of gratitude and expressing positive thoughts, while also attempting to act in a more positive manner, can indeed affect those around us, including our spouse. In other words, by “positive acting” not just positive thinking, we can start to change the world around us.

As an example, a friend recently decided to participate in a challenge called 29 Gifts, started by Cami Walker, author of the book by the same name. Each day, my friend gave some kind of gift or act of love to someone she knew, with no expectation of anything in return. You can read about her experience here in Is it Really Better to Give than to Receive? I know about this only because I was one of the recipients of a thoughtful gift and kind note that made my day. Within a month, her decision to act in a positive, loving manner had far-reaching effects for those around her, many of whom were inspired to act similarly.

My point (in life and marriage) is if we become too self-focused, we lose the point of loving those around us. It’s all well and good to try to be more positive, calm, and grateful on our own. But by expressing gratitude (in writing or verbally, or in prayer), or by giving a hug, or by taking a positive action to help our partner with something, or to just be there to listen while he or she talks, we can make a real impact and demonstrate real love. I believe this positive impact will increase our own happiness as well as the happiness of those around us.

Try it for a few days. Do something nice for someone you know, and pay attention to how it makes you feel before and after. Then do something nice for your spouse for a few days and see how it affects your relationship.

Next week, I’ll talk about how the images of how our lives and marriages “should be” can impact our happiness levels.

 Photo credit: ©.shock/PhotoXpress.com

Are Older or Younger People Happier? Men or Women? What Stage of Life is Best?

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

Do you dread certain stages of life, like old age or menopause? Are there different stages of life when we tend to be happier in life and marriage?

I’ve shared information about the U-shaped marriage, in which the active parenting years cause a decline in marital satisfaction, but an increase after the kids leave the nest.  Maggie Scarf, author of September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years encourages couples to get through the rough patches together so they can enjoy the other peak of their marriage.

But what about overall happiness and wellness—is there a certain time of life where we are more likely to be happy or distraught? For example, I’ve heard some stories about menopause being difficult on husbands and wives. We’ve also all heard stories midlife crises caused by the terrible distress of men in their 40s. Some couples spend a solid decade worrying about these impending events.

While there are certainly anecdotes that show these are real issues for some people, David Myers, PhD, says people of all ages report similar feelings of wellbeing. That includes people in middle and old age. Truthfully, he reports in his book The Pursuit of Happiness, more women view the post-menopausal and empty-nest period as a time of freedom and enjoyment of life than a time of sadness and depression. Surveys of empty nester women report greater happiness and greater enjoyment in their marriages. They even talk of a “post-launch honeymoon”. This is good news for all those dreading that time of life.

Regarding cases of midlife crises, two studies involving nearly 10,000 men and women showed “not the slightest evidence” that distress peaks anywhere in the midlife age range. Perhaps we just hear stories of things people do—buying an expensive car or going off with a younger woman—and attribute the decision to reaching a certain age. Apparently research isn’t very supportive of this conclusion. Note, the research is a bit dated, but it was done over a long period of time.

Researchers did find some age-related differences in wellbeing. They found that (not surprisingly) teens have frequent ups and downs in their emotions, even within the same hour. When they are down, everyone and everything around them seems bleak. When they’re up, even their parents become admirable. “Adult moods are less extreme but far more enduring,” says Myers. And older adults are more calm, less easily rattled, and generally have less stress and fewer demands. This means older adults may be more content, and just as happy, as their middle-aged counterparts even though health concerns may become more common. Surveys in various countries show older people report just as much happiness and satisfaction as younger people.

Divorces occur more frequently with younger adults than older adults. By middle and older ages, couples tend to not focus on changing their partner or fighting so much over control in the relationship. They can often be more content and enjoy one another.

One major predictor of happiness is health and fitness. Not surprisingly, chronic pain or ill health undermines our wellbeing. However, good health doesn’t guarantee happiness any more than a full bank account does.

Studies show those who learn how to slow down, relax, smile more, and laugh more enjoy better quality of life. (Couples who enjoy a great sense of humor have a leg up here.) Of course, there are all those recommendations about eating well and exercising, but talking about laughing more sounds a lot more fun. When will we find a study that shows eating crème brulee once a week leads to a long, happy life? In truth, the book explains exercise has been shown to dramatically improve depression. Even a short walk raises energy levels and lowers tension. Aerobic exercise is quite effective at elevating mood.

As far as whether men or women enjoy greater wellbeing, multiple studies show gender accounts for less than 1 percent of people’s differing wellbeing. Men and women are equally likely to report being “very happy” and “satisfied or very satisfied” with life. However, women are much more likely to suffer from depression. Women are more likely to feel anxiety as well as joy. Our gender feels the highs and lows more strongly, particularly in relationships. (Our husbands might have noticed we tend to be more emotional.) We are also the more empathetic gender. On the other hand, men are more likely to suffer from alcohol addictions and to commit suicide.

Do these insights dispel any myths you had about happiness as it relates to age or gender?  Do you have any guesses regarding whether education or race plays a major part in happiness levels? Is there a phase of life that you dread?

Interesting Links:
One way you might improve your energy level, attitude and happiness is to get more sleep. Concert violinists say the only thing that improves their performance more than practice is getting adequate sleep. This Huffington Post article convinces us that it’s more important than food.

The always educational Michele Weiner-Davis teaches us How to Make Your Spouse Want to Change.

The always super-entertaining Alisa Bowman teaches us that we don’t always have to follow someone else’s marriage recipe in her FaceBook post: What Lentil Soup Taught Me About Marriage.

Thanks so much to Jennifer Gill Rosier for naming this blog as one of her 10 Favorite Marriage Blogs at Jen’s Love Lessons. Read about the other nine!

Interesting new fact: 1 out of 8 couples married in the U.S. met using social media!

Photo credit: ©ril/PhotoXpress.com

Why Does Our Experience with Pleasure Fade?

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

Why is it that what makes us happy today may not make us happy a month from today? All of our desirable experiences are transitory, says David Myers, author of The Pursuit of Happiness.

While some people are generally more happy or loving in their relationships than others, even the happiest don’t maintain endless joy. Pleasure wears off as we continue to be satisfied. That totally stinks, doesn’t it? That means the TV we were totally fine with five years ago is not nearly big enough or clear enough for us today.

Even the pleasurable experiences we have with our mates can fade in our minds. The same experiences we once enjoyed immensely probably won’t result in the same high of emotions if we attempt to repeat them. The “in love” feelings also fade and are replaced by different feelings and emotions.

This isn’t meant to be a downer, but rather as a reminder that even when things are the same, we may see them as different and think of ourselves as less satisfied.

Expectations & Comparisons
Our expectations and comparisons also affect how happy we are in the relationship. Myers explains that experiments demonstrate that watching X-rated movies tends to diminish satisfaction with one’s real-world sex life, which may appear less exciting. Even looking at perfect “10” centerfolds causes one’s own partner to look less appealing in experiments. Our minds adapt to what we take in.

The author says the good news is that we have the capacity to adapt even when negative—or tragic—events strike in our lives. Individuals and couples who have gone through a period of crisis often find they are stronger for it.

Managing our expectations in everyday life seems to be important for our overall happiness—in love and in life. A friend recently noted how much happier her husband is because he isn’t trying to “change the world” as she is. Simple desires make for happier people, she noted.

Unrealistic expectations can doom us to failure. Sports stars and movie stars who expect $5 million for a job are miffed when they are offered $4 million. Charlie Sheen won’t be happy until his enemies are licking his feet. We should be a little more careful about the expectations we create.  

Our relationship and life goals should be reasonable. Short-term, doable goals can still lead up to a lofty one. The expectations we place on our spouse should be reasonable as well.               

What Makes Life More Pleasurable?
So, what’s the answer to making everyday life seem better? Should we reminisce about our favorite memories and highest highs? Myers says this strategy backfires. “Despite our enjoyment of happy memories, there is both theory and evidence to suggest that dwelling on the Camelot moments from our past makes the present seem pretty pedestrian,” he says. In fact, if we use our happiest memories as yardsticks, it makes our present seem blah. If we can see these super highs as rare gifts, not as expectations for daily living, we are better off.

It’s also better to be reminded of the darker side. Pangs of loneliness remind us of how much we enjoy time with our spouse. Hunger makes food taste better. Being tired makes sleep feel heavenly. Those who recover after hospitalization find they are happier than before they were ill.

Myers says even self-imposed sacrifices can make us appreciate life and have more gratitude. “The sacrificial bowls of rice during Lent make the roast chicken tastier. The temporary separation from a loved one makes the reunion sweeter, the person less taken for granted.”       

In sum, the following can make our perception of our lives and marriages improved:

• Restrain unrealistic expectation.
• Count our blessings.
• Make goals short-term and doable.
• Be careful with comparisons.
• Don’t focus on an idyllic past; make new memories.

Is there a time in your life that you remember as being more perfect? Does it make you feel less happy when you compare your current life to that time?

Photo credit: ©Valery Shanin/PhotoXpress.com

Is Your Relationship Better than Your Friends’ Relationships?

Happy Life, Happy Marriage Series

In the last happy life happy marriage post, we talked about how we humans are naturally dissatisfied with our lives and our mates. We’re not even satisfied in a “perfect” marriage with the “perfect” spouse. Because perfect for us today means tomorrow our expectations change. If we are dissatisfied or unhappy with some aspect of our marriage today, there’s a good chance that there is nothing seriously wrong with our relationship.

Another way in which we doom our chances for happiness in relationships is by comparing our marriages (as well as other aspects of our lives) to other couple’s marriages. On the outside, most everyone’s marriage looks happy and problem-free. We all smile when we’re out with friends. We think we can determine how happy we are by comparing with how happy others appear to be.

This would not be a problem, says Dennis Prager in Happiness is a Serious Problem, if we compared ourselves with most other people.  However, we don’t do this. We compare ourselves with the very few who appear happier than we are. We’re always looking one notch above where we perceive ourselves to be, even if we know very little about their lives. When we think about it, we realize that we can’t know how our lives compare with others behind closed doors. When I was young, I used to look around our church and think “if they only knew how we lived when we weren’t on display.” But to the outside world, I’m sure we appeared to be a well-adjusted family of seven.

“The less we know about the people with whom we compare ourselves, the more dramatic the difference in assumed happiness,” says Prager. “If all of us realized that the people with whom we negatively compare our happiness are plagued by pains and demons of which we know little or nothing, we would stop comparing our happiness with others’.”

It’s similar to that saying you may have heard: If everyone could throw their problems out in a box, and you could choose to take any of them back, most of us would take our own. People seem fairly happy-go-lucky, attractive and successful to many of those around them, but deep down, they and their relationships may be deeply suffering from serious problems. Few people answer truthfully when a casual acquaintance asks how they are.

Prager says this situation would be improved if our close friends and confidants began opening up when things aren’t so perfect. (However, one needs to be very careful about sharing marital problems, particularly with family members.) For example, if you have a good friend whom you can share that you had a disagreement with your husband over which restaurant to go out to, or which route to take, or even that you can hardly tolerate his family, maybe she will offer some positive encouragement and realize you aren’t the perfect couple. She may share that her husband watches sports incessantly and thinks that it’s her job to do all the laundry. It’s not that you don’t respect one another’s marriages, but you also don’t pretend to be imperfect.

In life and in marriage, we are not helped by comparing ourselves with others whom we imagine to have more fun, money, more passion, more talent, more romance, more togetherness, fewer problems, fewer worries. In fact, we can significantly improve our happiness in life and in marriage if we would stop these meaningless comparisons.

This is a tough one. You go first, and let me know how it goes.

Related Links:
Read 10 Tips to Living a Mindful Marriage, by Sean Marshall of Family Rocketship, in a guest post for Simple Marriage. I just found Sean’s cool blog, dedicated to actively chooseing to live the perfect life. He and his wife are starting at home, seeking adventure, and hoping to change the world.

Photo credit: ©Dmitri Mlkitenko/PhotoXpress.com

We “Can’t Get No” Satisfaction

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Series

One of the biggest obstacles to our becoming happy is our inability to be satisfied, says Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem. In case you didn’t notice, human nature is insatiable. We are never completely satisfied with ourselves, our partner, our income, our homes, our children, our jobs, our sex lives, or our bodies. We’re never completely satisfied with our entire lives, and due to our human nature, we may never be.

That is not to say that we cannot learn to be content. However, it doesn’t serve us well to pretend the outside world is always to blame for our dissatisfaction, when truly, the world couldn’t really satisfy us if it tried. Therefore, working on our inner thoughts is part of our journey to become happier.

“We must be able, in effect, to tell our nature that although we hear it and respect it, our mind, not our nature, will determine whether we are satisfied,” says Prager.

This ability to choose happiness is why we see individuals living in poverty across the world who are much happier than some truly wealthy westerners. While we may be dissatisfied, we can still choose happiness. We can work on reducing the causes of our dissatisfaction while also deciding that we are going to choose to be happy. Even in a world that includes evil, we can still find happiness. (Read How Can We Be Happy with Tragedy & Evil in the World?)

Some of humankind’s inability to be satisfied is positive. Dissatisfaction motivates us to change, improve, create, accomplish. If it weren’t for feeling dissatisfied, we as humans wouldn’t seek innovation and improvement in ourselves and in our world. It’s a critical piece to our humanity. I’m thankful for this type of dissatisfaction, because it does drive me to improve in so many ways.

Prager distinguishes between necessary (or positive) dissatisfaction and unnecessary dissatisfaction. All creative types have a necessary dissatisfaction with their work that causes them to strive to improve it. Much of the necessary dissatisfaction in our lives leads us to make crucial changes. If we were satisfied with dating losers, we would have no incentive to find a suitable mate. When couples are dissatisfied with their level of intimacy, this feeling can lead them to make improvements in communication and connection.

Unnecessary dissatisfaction relates to items that are either not important (inability to find the perfect boots) or not within our control (who your parents are). “Your dissatisfaction may be an entirely valid one, but if its cause cannot be changed, it only increases unhappiness,” says Prager. “Only when you have the serenity to accept the things you cannot change will you recognize that the dissatisfaction you feel over them is indeed unnecessary.”

So, there you have it. We will always be dissatisfied. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still have happiness. It’s something we have to work out in our own minds.

How satisfied are you with yourself, your mate, your life? Does your dissatisfaction impede your happiness level?

Related Link:

“We have 225 studies [that say] that once you’re a happy person, you’re more likelyto make your marriage work, says Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, in an interesting article called “Perk Up” for Spirit Magazine. “You’re more likely to be creative, productive, to be healthier, to have stronger immune function.” The article gives some advice on measuring and evaluating your happiness level. Thanks to The Generous Wife for the link.

Photo credit: ©Cynthia Skaar/PhotoXpress.com

What Keeps Us From Being Happy?

Happy Life: Happy Marriage Post 2

Recently we discussed whether “We” or “Me” is more important in marriage; the conclusion I made was that both are clearly important. Growing individually, and sharing that growth, can help us grow in our marriage. However, I’ve known people who grew so much individually that they felt they “outgrew” their partner or “grew apart.” (That is another discussion. I’ll just say that is a warning about the feelings that can occur if you don’t spend enough time in sharing and connecting during your “self-expansion”.)

This quest for self-expansion really ties into the issue of our search for happiness. After all, searching for meaning and purpose and growing as a person are part of that search for happiness. You may want to read Post 1 Why Personal Happiness is Important to Marital Happiness before moving on in this series. It discussed why we have an obligation to ourselves and to our spouses to be as happy as we can be.

In the last post, I cited Dennis Prager, author of Happiness is a Serious Problem, saying much of our happiness is within our control. I will add a caveat here that sometimes individuals face serious challenges—such as depression or grief—that may require professional intervention, and sometimes even medication. The wrong therapist can be more harmful than helpful, so it’s critical to find someone who is experienced and skilled in both the art and science of psychotherapy.

Honestly, though, most of us do not have a clinical issue that is keeping us from finding happiness. Our own thoughts and decisions keep us from being happy. If happiness is a battle to be waged inside ourselves, how do we begin?

Prager says many of us mistakenly believe happiness is a feeling. (This sounds a lot like our discussion Is Love a Decision or a Feeling?) As such, they make most choices in their lives based around whether the action will cause happiness or unhappiness. In the end, many of their choices lead to pleasure, but not long-term happiness. In fact, the choices that lead to short-term pleasure may decrease our happiness. For example, I may choose to go out with my friends each weekend, but if my spouse is home with the kids and resents my lack of attention to the family, the decision for fun will probably not bring me long-term happiness.

“Happiness is a battle to be waged and not a feeling to be awaited,” says Prager. I know it’s kind of a bummer that both happy lives and happy marriages require work. Because, after all, work isn’t fun, so how could it bring happiness? But happiness doesn’t just drop onto us like fairy dust, and it’s not something that falls only to those who are lucky in life.

Using our minds is crucial to finding happiness. This doesn’t mean most people aren’t intelligent enough to find it. No, I think you’ll agree there are lots of highly intelligent, yet supremely unhappy, individuals in the world. (Just as we know money doesn’t bring happiness because of all the rich, miserable folks out there.) Prager says we lack three things:

1. The awareness that what will make us happy demands a great deal of thought
2. The self-discipline to overcome the natural inclination to do what is most pleasurable at the moment rather than what is most happiness-inducing
3. The wisdom to consistently answer the question “Will this make me happier or unhappier”

If this all sounds too deep, rest assured that he breaks it down further into reasonable steps you can achieve. 

First, I think we need to decide if it’s worth the effort to be happy. Do you deserve to be happy? Do you know what you think happiness is? Do you think you can be happy living in such an imperfect world? I don’t mean can we fake a cheerful attitude, but rather can we find a way to be happy?

Next Wednesday I’ll share some research about what it would take to satisfy us, and how we can justify our choice to be happy even with so much tragedy in the world. I know these are issues I struggle with. I can be easily weighed down by news of an evil act or a disaster affecting innocent people. I struggle with even small things like the daily to-do list, or the headache I have while writing this, and I know many people have very real challenges regarding their health, safety or finances. But I think each of us can learn to avoid certain traps and mistakes and move toward a happier place in our lives and our marriages. And yes, fun and pleasure are also important parts of a happy life.

Do you think you have a happy life? A happy marriage? Do you want to become happier? What do you most struggle with to become or stay happy?

Photo: ©Pavel Losevsky, PhotoXpress.com

Why is Personal Happiness Important to Marital Happiness?

Many children have an innate ability to embrace joy and happiness in everyday experiences.

This is the first in my new Wednesday series of posts on the topic of “Happy Life, Happy Marriage.” Happiness is an elusive topic, one that has been heavily researched, yet seldom understood with much depth. I’d like to shed some light on what is known about achieving happiness, and share my own insights and findings as well.

I’ve had an interest in “happiness” for years, and wrote a post here explaining the difference between seeking pleasure, happiness or joy. Making the quest for happiness the top priority in your life will not be likely to succeed unless you understand that sometimes a little pain or discomfort is necessary to achieve it.  For example, we can’t lead our children to happiness by shielding them from working hard or failure. What I’m really striving for in my life is true joy, but most people call it happiness.

“The only thing Joy has in common with (Happiness and Pleasure) is that anyone who has experienced it will want it again.” Where Joy differs, he continues, is that anyone who has tasted joy would never exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. “But then Joy is never in our power and Pleasure often is.”– C.S. Lewis in Surprised by Joy

Why is happiness important to marriage? Dennis Prager, in his book Happiness is a Serious Problem, asserts that we have a moral obligation to ourselves and our partners, as well as to our children and friends to be has happy as we can be. “This does not mean acting unreal, and it certainly does not mean refraining from honest and intimate expressions of our feelings to those closest to us. But it does mean that we owe it to others to work on our happiness.”

We treat others better when we are happier. We treat ourselves better, too. Will a marriage benefit from two people treating themselves and one another better? Of course.

Some aspects of happiness are within our control, and some are not. I’ll be sharing some of Prager’s suggestions on how to incorporate greater happiness into your life. By focusing on activities that can lead to lasting happiness and joy, you will also benefit your marriage. I encourage you to discuss the ideas with your spouse and share your experiences and feedback with one another and with other readers here.

The first point to understand about happiness is that we take the easy road when we allow ourselves to be unhappy.  It takes no effort to complain and be miserable. It takes great effort to be happy. You’ve been told that the narrow, right path is not the easy way. It’s easy to go with the flow and go the wrong way. It’s more in our nature to be dissatisfied and unhappy than to be happy. “Happiness is a battle to be waged and not a feeling to be awaited,” says Prager.  While not all happiness is within our control, much—even most—of it is, he adds. But it will require hard work and a concerted effort to change our mindset.

I think it’s doable if we take it in small chunks and incorporate pieces into our lives. Each of us has the capacity to improve our happiness, even if we feel today that we may never be happy.

I wish you a truly happy and joyful New Year!

Photo ©Ming Lowe