Mind the Expectations Gap

“Mind the Gap” is repeatedly blared in the London Underground train stations to remind passengers not to stand between the train door and the station platform. The catchy phrase was developed in 1969 and caught on so well that they now sell t-shirts with the admonition. Minding the gap in our marriage is also important, but unfortunately you won’t hear a daily reminder shouted out at you as you begin your day.

Marriage researcher Terri L. Orbuch, PhD, says in a new book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great that most marriages do not break up due to conflict, communication problems or sexual incompatibility. Instead, it’s regular frustration that drives a wedge between couples. “It’s the day-to-day disappointment or the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts—that is most damaging,” she says.

Take a minute to think about that fact, and you’ll probably agree that when one or both partner’s expectations are not met during the average day, tensions mount, conversations become tense and intimacy is nearly nonexistent. You were counting on your partner to follow through on something, and now it’s on your plate. You’re disappointed. You may move into negotiation mode to get through your day and your to-do list. You inherently become a bit more selfish to protect your interests, and you feel less generous in helping your partner. There’s little chance you will go out of your way to please him or her.

Orbuch suggests sharing your expectations regularly with your spouse to help keep tension levels low. If you aren’t receiving enough affection or dedicated time, or if your spouse isn’t helping in an area that was agreed upon, take time to talk it through. A previous post on how to get through to your spouse offers some techniques to communicate effectively and to listen well to your spouse.

Even when things are great for a few years, job, home or family changes can shake up expectations again. Make it a recurring topic to address so that it doesn’t appear one spouse is complaining about the status quo, but rather both spouses are interested in minimizing the expectations gap. If you have trouble remembering to do this, you can always order the t-shirt.

Do You Have Agape Love?

Why do you love your spouse? Because he is a good provider or has an amazing sense of humor? Because she is talented, kindhearted or generous? If your love is attached to some behavior or personality characteristic, it is a conditional love, not agape love, which is unconditional.

Many writers have written about agape love, said to be the highest, truest, most all-consuming love. Whereas the types of love called phileo (friendship) or eros (sexual) are important to a great marriage, its foundation should be the unconditional agape love, according to the book The Love Dare. In fact, the romantic and friendship aspects of a marriage are able to be enjoyed at a deeper level when agape love is present.

Unconditional, unselfish agape love is a difficult thing to strive for. It doesn’t mean you allow yourself to be mistreated or abused, or even that you shouldn’t speak up if your needs are not being met. It means you can love your spouse even when he or she is acting unlovable, or is sick, unemployed or depressed. When you are not “getting” as much as you’re “giving” (if you are keeping score as many couples unconsciously do), it’s agape love that keeps you committed to the relationship nonetheless.

Agape love isn’t destroyed by time or temperament, by rough patches or seasons of sadness, by old age or illness. Agape love is a choice to be committed come what may. Is that the kind of love you possess? Do you love your spouse, or do you love what you get from your spouse?

10 Great Tips to Get Through to Your Spouse (Part II)

Continuing with our last post with tips from Dr. Mark Goulston’s book, “Just Listen,” here are six more:

Create a Transformational Moment—Much of our daily communication involves negotiation, such as who will handle what aspects of a work project, who will pick up the kids or handle dinner. To take your communication to a deeper level and hear what people are truly about, ask them a transformational question. Examples might be: What kind of influence did your father have on you? What do you love about your profession? What is something fun or important you and I should do in the next five years?

Be More Interested Than Interesting—Instead of being concerned about sounding intelligent or funny, focus all your attention on the person in front of you. Ask probing questions. Don’t tell your stories. Be interested in them. For example, ask your spouse about a recent work project or how a conflict with a friend was resolved. Then just listen. You can usually have a greater impact on someone by asking a thoughtful question and giving them the opportunity to share than by telling a great story.

Make People Feel Valued—After people feel heard, they want to feel valued, especially by their loved ones. Many spouses feel they are tolerated more than loved as the years go by. Tell your spouse how they have changed your life for the better. Tell your children how much you value them in your life.

Fill in the Blank—When you are unsure of someone’s motives or feelings, ask, “You feel that way because _______” or “You would like me to do _______.” (Say nothing with hand gesture palm up giving them the opportunity to answer.)

Power Thank You—Acknowledge a specific action that was helpful to you; note the great effort required. Tell the person (publicly if possible) what a difference this action made for you. A written letter or email is valuable to people, but a spoken power thank-you is nice.

Power Apology—A bad apology is probably worse than not apologizing at all. The proper steps include expressing remorse for the specific behavior, showing restitution, rehabilitation (not doing the bad thing any longer) and a request for forgiveness.

 Do you use any of these techniques, or do you know a great listener whose listening skills you admire?

(In case you were wondering, I received no compensation of any kind for recommending this book.)

10 Great Tips to Get Through to Your Spouse

To follow up on a recent post on why better listening is better loving, a new book provides some useful techniques on how exactly to listen effectively. “Just Listen” by psychiatrist Mark Goulston, MD, delivers on its promise to teach you how to get through to anyone, even offering advice for dealing with neurotic, narcissistic and violent individuals (we won’t go there). Most of the book addresses everyday personal and professional communication strategies, and offers scientific explanation to explain why they work within the brain. I’d recommend reading the book if you would like to improve your communication and connections at work or home, but I’ll summarize a few techniques in the next two posts:

The Empathy Jolt—When you are at odds with your spouse, take a break. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were in their shoes. Literally, what feelings or thoughts might you be experiencing? Sometimes a third party can ask this question to both spouses, and they will express a deeper understanding of one another’s true motivations.

Reverse Play—When you feel like complaining about someone’s behavior, set up a time to talk. Instead of complaining, apologize genuinely for the ways you may be contributing to the problem. Say you are sorry for anything you might have done to offend or disrespect them. This catches people off guard and often motivates them to act graciously.

Mirror Neuron Deficit—As we attempt to conform to the world’s or others’ demands on us, trying to win love and approval, we ache to be mirrored back with the same attention. Often, people feel they give their best, but receive apathy or hostility in return. This creates a deficit that you as an effective listener can help fill. Instead of waiting for your spouse or child to express a feeling or complaint, then mirroring it back, Dr. Goulston suggests taking the initiative to express your perception of their feelings, while offering a chance to clarify.

For example, when a man sees his stressed out wife scramble all evening to get emails returned and kids to bed, he might say, “You know, I was thinking today how frustrating it must be to feel so torn between home and the office. Is that how you feel, or am I reading things wrong? Then, you allow the other person to talk, without interrupting. When the other person stops, say, something like, “Go on.” Resist the urge to talk. Allow him or her to fully vent and relax. Do not solve the problem; just listen. This technique can even work in hostile situations and/or with teens. I tried it on my 6-year-old, and it worked great.

Be Vulnerable—Especially when things are at their worst, instead of getting aggressive, be vulnerable and share your deepest fears or concerns. Encourage your spouse to share feelings as well. This can create a breakthrough connection.

I’ll have 6 more great tips from Dr. Goulston on Wednesday.

Are In-Law Troubles Troubling Your Marriage?

The holidays are nearly upon us, which for some couples brings excitement and others dread. At the recent request of some readers, I researched ways to improve the notorious mother-in-law relationship. Stress and strain between spouses and in-laws causes a good deal of division and strife in marriage. If your relationship with in-laws or parents is less-than-perfect, maybe this is the year for change.

After reviewing several resources, I came across an excellent post written by Gretchen Rubin, a best-selling author who writes tips for improving your happiness.  Rubin’s article “Ten tips for getting along with your mother-in-law” contains a gold mine of sound advice on how you can make your interactions much more positive and pleasant. Give it a read. Even the commenters added more good tips, such as, “No matter how much they drive you crazy, remember that they’ve been driving your spouse crazy much longer. Don’t take out your frustrations on your spouse; they’re probably as stressed out as you are.” If your issue is another family member, Rubin also has a good post on “7 tips for getting along with difficult relatives.”

I once heard the suggestion to act as if you have the relationship you want, and start cultivating that ideal relationship. While that may not always work, Gretchen suggests putting yourself in a friendly, calm frame of mind before you get together with in-laws. Instead of avoiding your mother-in-law, seek her out and be friendly. Basically, put yourself in a better mood before you get there, so you are not so easily offended.

One of her insightful tips is to “mindfully articulate, and act in accordance with, your own values.” She explains, “If you know your own values and live according to them, people’s pointed remarks don’t sting nearly as much, and strangely, they often back off.”

If a difficult situation fails to improve, you can still be in charge of your own reactions and behavior. You may need to bite your tongue for the benefit of your spouse. “Sometimes you can behave nicely for someone else’s happiness, even if you’d be very happy to pitch a battle, if left to your own devices,” says Rubin.

Rubin’s blog has other helpful and tested strategies for improving your own happiness, which can be beneficial as long as you are clear on the difference between seeking happiness and seeking joy.

So, are you looking forward to Thanksgiving with extended family, or are you considering flying to Tahiti instead? Do you have any great in-law tips to share?

Better Listening=Better Loving

The last post shared thoughts on true connectivity. For this type of true connection to take place, you first need the time and space to connect. Couples can also benefit from the absence of some ubiquitous gadgets. For a true connection, another key is that both spouses should be active listeneners.

If you’re like many spouses, you hear your partner—sort of. You hear lots of words coming out, including requests to handle errands or tasks, or informational updates about the day. You may even hear some complaints or gripes or expressions of love or gratitude. While your spouse is talking, you are considering your response or planning what you are going to say next.

Even if our spouse is sharing his or her lifelong goals, we are often considering how those goals will affect us and our families. Or, maybe we’re preparing to offer them advice on how to attain those goals.

Most of us know at least one person who is an excellent listener. You may not even realize it at first, but you feel better about yourself when you are with great listeners, because they show so much interest in you, asking follow-up questions and responding enthusiastically to your good news. They are encouraging and will often call later to ask how something is progressing. When you are talking, they are very present and in the moment. In their listening, we feel we are being loved. Poor listeners spend a lot more time talking than hearing, and we often dread getting stuck talking to them for long.

Being present to our partner while really listening to him/her is a way we can show our love. It helps if we are not rushed or multitasking while trying to listen. (That’s why we may need to schedule some dedicated time for reconnecting.) We should refrain from making suggestions unless we are asked. Use eye contact. Listen to your partner fully; don’t interrupt. Ask questions to clarify, or rephrase what you are hearing back to them.

Active listening is not an easy skill, especially when we have trained our brains to be prepared and think quickly. I’ve heard several marriage experts say good listening could prevent many marital problems, including some affairs and divorces, by making spouses feel they are heard and understood. Relationships with children or friends can also improve when they feel we hear and understand them.

Does your spouse jabber on endlessly, or is he or she a great listener? Could you improve your listening skills or is it a strength? I’m listening.

True Connectivity

I’m a fan of Twitter and Facebook and find these and other sites help me connect with lots of different people for work and personal reasons I wouldn’t otherwise talk to. I think our use of these and other social networking tools helps fill a desire to be known by and connected to others. However, we should beware that filling our lives with technological tasks can, in some cases, actually reduce our true connectivity.

You’ve seen the friends who post details of their vacation every day and let you know when they stop for coffee. They air their grievances online. They carry their cell phone everywhere and never turn it off. They text in the middle of a dinner party. You probably know a lot more of these individuals than folks who take time out for silence.

Our frenetic pace doesn’t often allow for quiet time, for thinking, contemplation, prayer or meditation, for spending relaxing unstructured time with spouses and close family members. The wisest, calmest people you know probably allow themselves time of solitude. When we don’t take time for the bigger picture, we can begin to feel overwhelmed. We may even reach out to our social network to tell them how overwhelmed we feel or to complain about our busy schedule, which does little to solve the problem.

Many folks are finding they need to “unplug” from technology (including TV, ipods, cell phones and radio) for periods of time to help recharge their batteries, both for the more structured planning, praying or reading/learning type of activities, and for non-structured relaxed activities like taking a walk or bike ride or watching a sunset. I personally find that during these unstructured times, I often will find insight into a problem or a great idea that helps me with a project.

When you are lucky enough to be married, you have a partner for life, and someone you can truly know and be known by, an answer to our true desire to be connected. Once you allow yourself time of solitude to know yourself well, you can share yourself more effectively with your partner. Don’t allow gadgets or devices to get in the way of your personal sharing or to take away the valuable time you may need to reconnect.

This fall is the perfect time of year to appreciate the changing foliage together with your spouse while you share your feelings and discuss one another’s goals, challenges or concerns. Take time to listen and share. Don’t tweet about it, and don’t post a photo of the experience on your personal web page. Give yourself time to know your spouse and to be known. That’s true connectivity.

What gets in the way of your personal solitude or your true connectivity? Is there a way you can remove any obstacles?

So What do You Want to Read About?

While I love, love, love it when my readers make comments on my blog and start a dialogue, I’ve been even more blessed with many personal notes thanking me for writing particular posts that have helpful in someone’s marriage. To think even one person’s marriage or family could benefit from this blog is tremendous. Thank you for reading and applying some of the research and tips!

If you’re too shy to leave a public post, feel free to email me through the contact page. I would appreciate hearing what YOU want to read about. What stage of marriage are you in (premarital, newlywed, 7-year itch, second marriage, post-children, empty nest, etc.)? In what marital topics or challenges are you interested in reading (in-laws, balancing career/family, financial, spirutual, sexual, reviving the romance, infertility, infidelity, making home life more joyful, etc.). Post your suggestions here or send me a private note if you prefer.

May your relationship grow stronger each day.

Deciding to Remarry? Put Kids First.

When can widowed or divorced individuals feel ready to remarry? It’s such an individual decision, but when one or both partners already have young children, their needs should factor highly in the decision.

In the movies it seems there’s always a lonely 5-year-old living with his/her Mom or Dad just waiting for that perfect stepparent to come along and complete their family. Thankfully for many families, a second marriage can be a great blessing for adults and children. But in some cases, kids may prefer having their parent’s attention all to themselves and may fear losing that attention when a love interest enters the picture.

Unfortunately, second marriages fail at a higher rate than first marriages, with children from a previous marriage causing the most conflict. (Remarriage failure rates available here.)  Experts say more second marriages fail because so many happen on the rebound. They don’t know each other well enough, aren’t thinking clearly, and are too set in their ways, according to Robert Kirby of the Salt Lake Tribune.

Any good parent clearly wants their child to be comfortable with a potential spouse, but they may feel they have to make decisions for their own happiness as well. I would agree that children don’t always know what is best for the family. However, parents considering remarrying should know their potential spouse extremely well, and should consider the sad fact that living with a stepparent is the most significant risk factor in severe child abuse.

That fact aside, there are other considerations as well, such as siblings who may enter the blended family and their potential impact on your child. A colleague of mine (whom we’ll call Lisa) met a great guy 5 ½ years ago through Match.com. After six months of dating, they knew they were right for each other. (In addition to common values and goals, they had also been cheated on by their spouses and despite their efforts to save their marriages, both of their spouses chose to leave.)

A major stumbling block for them was joining their two households; he had custody of a 12- and 9-year old boy and girl, and she had custody of a 5-year old girl. Despite their best efforts, Lisa felt the oldest son’s difficult and jealous behavior would negatively impact her daughter. In addition, she feared the stress from the “drama” that would likely follow their wedding could make starting a marriage difficult.

So, she gave the engagement ring back. How many people would be willing to put their dreams on hold, wondering if their fiancé would move on? “It’s hard, because you want to be together, but you have to do what’s best for your kids,” Lisa says. She and her fiancé continued to date exclusively, and he understood her concerns.

Unfortunately, her fiancé’s two children did end up getting into substantial trouble (one was jailed twice for drug use), although as they have matured, they have started to straighten out. They have since chosen to live with their mother, who had abandoned them for nine years. 

Lisa recently married her fiancé, with all three children present and supportive. She is glad she waited, because “the impact on my daughter would have been horrible. I don’t think she’d be the wonderful, well-adjusted kid she is today if I had married then. It may have tainted her outlook on life or taken some of her innocence away,” Lisa says. However, she adds, “Part of me wonders if his kids might have benefited more if we had gotten married and I had more influence on them—but I’m not entirely sure I would have been able to deal with it.” Now that his kids are maturing, they have thanked her for some of the positive influence she was able to provide.

Lisa says there is another benefit to waiting to marry. “Marrying someone because you’re head-over-heels in love is easy to do, because you don’t see their flaws. When you wait five years, you see everything. You know their downfalls and strong points and have to be willing to live with all of it.”

What do you think? Should adults choose when and whom they will marry, then work on integrating the families, or if they have young children, should their needs be considered first?

What Makes a Great Marriage?

Continuing from my last post, which offered two recipes for a successful marriage, following are some very interesting facts about what sets the best marriages apart, according to sociologists as reported in Deseret News:

• The quality and openness of sex is more important than its frequency.
• 90% of couples who pray together report “very great” sexual satisfaction.
• Couples who agree on religious faith AND family finances double their chances of success.
• Most unhappy couples acknowledge their conflicts are of relatively recent origin and are short-term, not necessarily a precursor to divorce or infidelity.
• At any moment, fewer than one-fifth of couples are in the “falling in love stage.”
• At any moment, more than half of couples are “settling down” in their marriage.
• At any moment, one-fourth of couples, young and old, report they are “beginning again”—reviving the romance of their earliest years together.

I love that last fact! Have you thought about the need to “begin again” with your spouse—to revive the spark and refresh your romance on a regular basis? Every marriage will experience ebbs and flows. Perhaps now is a great time for you to invest more of your time and effort into your relationship. Cultivate romance.

Begin by thinking about why you married your spouse in the first place. Think about your wedding day and the feelings you shared.  Reminisce with your spouse. List his or her positive traits if you need to, and focus on the positive aspects of your relationship. If you need some inspiration, check out 7 Small Things You can Do to Improve Your Marriage.

In which stage is your marriage? Do you agree with the social scientists or is every marriage unique?