9 Ways to Keep Your Marriage Healthy

Almost three-quarters of wives have considered leaving their husbands at some point, according to a Women’s Day and AOL Living Poll. CNN.com reports it’s a wonder anyone ends up walking into the sunset as “geriatric lovebirds.”

Because each stage of life offers new challenges, CNN.com provides nine ways you can protect the health of your relationship no matter which stage you’re currently in. Here’s a brief summary of the tips:

1. Watch your waistline—Married couples have larger waistlines, which can cause chronic health conditions and diminish sexual attraction. Watch portion sizes.
2. Make a financial plan— Money is the number-one argument topic for couples. Even if you have different spending tendencies and priorities (many couples do), resolve your issues by making a plan and maintaining honesty about money.
3. Create family rules—The way you grew up may be different from your spouse’s background and different from how you want to raise your family. Discuss home responsibilities, family priorities, how you plan to raise your children and how you will run your home as early as possible.
4. Make sex a priority (but not a chore)—If you schedule sex, it may turn into yet another responsibility. Regular intimacy is necessary for a healthy marriage.
5. Be flexible—During life transitions, your roles may change or be adjusted. Your spouses’ value (or your own) doesn’t depend on his or her paycheck or job.
6. Remain active—Find an activity you can enjoy together, to remain healthy and enhance your sex life.
7. Confide in a friend—A close friend can provide empathy and advice, but share carefully.
8. Rediscover one another—After the nest is empty, marital satisfaction generally improves. Use the freedom to enjoy each other.
9. Be a conscious caregiver—As you and your spouse age, chances are good one of you will need to be caregiver at least for a time. Ask for help when you need it. Caring for yourself will enhance the care you provide.

For the full CNN.com article, visit: http://tinyurl.com/nkj2w6.

Giving Military Marriages a Boost

As if it isn’t enough that soldiers risk their lives from our country, they also risk their marriages due to long separations and the stress that accompanies active military service. I’ve had requests from some service members for tips on keeping the home fires burning, as well as how to effectively reunite the family after a tour of duty. Thankfully, two in-depth interviews with exemplary military families helped shed some light on this topic. Any families enduring a long separation could use some of these tips.

Before the soldier leaves:

1. Enlist the help of family, friends, church members and neighbors to help support the family while the soldier is away. Make a list of concrete ways your family will need help, from lawn or home maintenance to babysitting or grocery shopping.
2. The spouse at home may need to learn to accept help, even when he or she hasn’t in the past. It helps to focus on the support and love rather on the negative circumstances of being separated from the spouse.
3. Invite letters, care packages and prayers and provide simple guidelines that would be helpful for the soldier or unit.
4. Give the immediate family plenty of alone time prior to the deployment.

While the soldier is away:

1. Consider a blog to help keep family and friends updated on your own schedule. This prevents having to repeat updates on the soldier or unit (for the soldier and spouse at home) and keeps the soldier updated on the family.
2. Remember phone calls can be inconvenient for one or both spouses. Plan a convenient time if phone calls are important.
3. Play upbeat, fun music to keep the house from getting somber. Plan fun activities with friends or family.
4. Use videoconferencing only if it makes sense for your family. For some spouses it is too painful. For young children, they may not understand why mommy or daddy is on the screen, but they can’t touch them.
5. Focus on the positive aspects of your spouse and your life. Keep negative news at bay by turning off the news and keeping TVs out of the bedrooms.  
6. Keep precious reminders of loved ones close at hand—a special letter, a photo of each family member, perhaps a special piece of jewelry or memento.
7. The traveling spouse may still be able to handle certain home responsibilities, such as banking, with online services.
8.  Young children who don’t have a concrete understanding of time could make a paper chain with a link for each day the soldier will be away. Invite them to send pictures and letters to their absent parent.
9. Reach out to support groups or other spouses in similar circumstances.

When the soldier returns:

1. Plan a welcome-home celebration to thank everyone who has offered support and to honor the soldier for his or her service.
2. Be patient. Particularly when the soldier has been gone for a lengthy tour, the family has often adapted to his or her absence, and the soldier may no longer feel as if he or she fits in as before. The at-home spouse became the leader and took the role of two parents, so time to assimilate is needed. Give the immediate family space and time to sort this out. Children may also need time to sort through their emotions.
3. Be sensitive to soldier’s sleep needs. The soldier has just returned from a different world and may be battling anxiety, nightmares, difficult sleep patterns or may awaken disoriented after having just returned.
4. Express your gratitude and praise to the spouse who cared for the family as well as to the soldier who performed in the field.
5. Stress can often bring a couple closer together. Use the experience as a catalyst for recognizing and appreciating what is truly important to you both.

Two in-depth military profiles will be shared in my upcoming book, From First Kiss to Lasting Bliss, Secrets of Successful Marriages. Contact me if you would like to stay updated on the book’s progress. Special thanks to all members of the military, single and married.

Who will Make the First Move?

Continuing from our last post about not keeping score in your marriage, there is often an internal debate with husbands and wives that if she would only stop nagging him, he would fulfill her every need, and visa versa. Are you waiting for your spouse to change before you are willing to do your part? Then once you do your part, are you only willing to continue if you see your spouse adjust accordingly?

No one should tolerate an abusive spouse, but if you are regularly focusing on perceived faults of your spouse or personality failures (how they “should be” or how they “should act”), you are not really valuing them as a person along with the attributes they have been given. Remember, if you don’t build up your spouse, who will? If they fail and you aren’t there to help them through a crisis, who will? (In fact, a crisis is a wonderful opportunity to solidify your marriage and what you truly stand for. This is why I have interviewed so many successful couples who have been through extremely difficult circumstances.)

Since wives are prone to nagging, try to be the sweet voice your husband longs to come home to, the one who praises his strengths and encourages his dreams. Make him miss you the minute he backs out of the driveway. Husbands, keep your focus and priority on your wife. Be aware of her needs. Praise her beauty and her skill. Listen to her concerns. Be affectionate. Put your computer and phone down when she’s sharing her day or her struggles.

Put effort into your marriage, not monthly but daily. Forgive when you’ve had a bumpy day and try again tomorrow. Work together through adversity. If these acts seem too difficult given your current conflicts, it’s time to see a marriage counselor.

Share the small actions you or your spouse take that make a big difference in your relationship.

Choose to Love

The movie, Fireproof, leads a disastrous marriage down a triumphant path through a series of selfless acts, which are detailed in the spinoff book, The Love Dare. The husband’s father dares him to perform specific acts of love for a period of time rather than give up on his marriage, which appears to be doomed. The perspective being offered is that it only takes one person making small changes with a loving heart to improve a marriage dramatically. If spouses are focused on the faults of the other person, they miss the point.

Even if your marriage is not on thin ice like the couple’s in the movie, give some thought to whether or not you frequently keep score in your head, i.e. I did that nice thing, now it’s his turn. Or, I always plan vacations and don’t feel appreciated, so I’m not doing it anymore. I once had a friend who kept score of how many chores she and her husband each performed; they are now divorced.

When an unsatisfied store customer asks to see the manager, imagine if the manager argued back that the customer was wrong. The store would lose sales. But when the manager apologizes and meets or exceeds the customer’s expectations, the customer will likely maintain the relationship with the store. The next time your spouse issues a complaint, instead of becoming defensive, try to act like the manager and listen to your spouse to see if you can resolve the issue. And the next time you want to blurt out something nasty or critical to your spouse, think about whether you could say it in a nicer way—or hold your tongue.

Given how busy we all are with work, church, school, homes and children, it’s almost unfair that you are asked to make time to do even small, loving acts for your spouse. If your relationship is like most couples, its priority level has been pushed down a few notches. Realize that you are not just doing it for your spouse, but for yourself and your children, and as an investment in your future. I’ve found in my personal experience and in my interviews with successful couples, feelings follow actions. So, if you’re just not feeling the love today, do it anyway! Choose to behave lovingly, and your feelings will follow. Your spouse may take notice, but even if he or she doesn’t, choose loving actions anyway.

One of my interviewees (who has overcome an addiction and his wife’s life-threatening illness) says he realized it’s the small things that please his wife, like saying something nice in an e-mail. “It’s nothing extraordinary like leaving a trail of petals to the bedroom filled with a thousand candles. We let each other know we’re thinking of the other and that we really care,” he says.

Brainstorm 5 things you could do in less than 10 minutes. Then act on one thing. Do you believe one person can begin to change a marriage, or does it take two?

For information about Fireproof the movie or The Love Dare, visit: http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/resources/.

Prospects Strong for those Wishing to Marry Later

Two decades ago, Newsweek magazine joked that a 40-year-old single woman was “more likely to be killed by a terrorist” than ever marry. Though the comment was made in jest, it stuck and was often cited. However, even the not-joking marriage probability rating they offered for a 35-year-old woman was only 5 percent. The story induced quite a lot anxiety, which, it turns out, wasn’t warranted.

While fewer married in their 20s, the rate of women who eventually marry was much higher than expected, according to Newsweek.com’s Marriage by the Numbers. Some trends that did pan out as expected were the higher rates of cohabitation and the emergence and growth of single mothers by choice.

The biggest marriage shift for women has been to wait longer to marry. Additionally, marriage rates for better educated women is much higher than for women with lower levels of education. While the old stereotype said that women who excelled professionally may have been less appealing or “overqualified” as spouses, a 2001 Princeton study shows that college degrees make a woman more likely to marry, not less so. The trend is so pronounced that researchers now worry “that marriage, which confers a host of economic, tax and child-rearing advantages, is becoming disproportionately reserved for better-educated, middle- and upper-class elites.”

Many of today’s 30-somethings are less alarmed today if they haven’t found the perfect mate, says the article. Odds are, in fact much better for those in their 30’s and 40’s who wish to marry to find a spouse than had been assumed. Approximately 90 percent of baby-boomers have married or will marry. In 1960, half of women married by 20. Now, many more women are waiting to finish college and at least begin their careers. As of 1996, a single 40-year-old woman had about a 41 percent chance of marrying. Those odds have increased to just under 50 percent. Today, the median age for a first marriage is 25 for women and 27 for men.

While most of the research focused on women, because data on them was more available, men’s attitudes toward marriage have also changed over time. Both genders of Gen-Xers are said to have a greater commitment to marriage because so many watched their parents divorce. Many men openly seek a wife as much as the reverse. Women are also considering younger men, where previously that was more taboo.

Newsweek revisited 11 of the 14 single 20-something women who were interviewed for the original story. Eight are married, including a pediatrician who met her husband while hiking the Badlands and married at 45. Some said they wished they had found their spouses earlier, especially when battling infertility. Three remained single, one whose fiancée died, another who chose to adopt as a single woman. None who married divorced.

Are you still looking for the perfect spouse? Do you think it helps that people are marrying later in life when they are more mature and established? What are your predictions for future marriage rates? (Or, would you prefer we ignore these predictive statistics entirely?)

For the full Newsweek article, visit: http://www.newsweek.com/id/52295/

How to Avoid a Common Pitfall in Unhappy Marriages

What are your goals? If you are like most people, you initially think of your personal goals—work, hobbies, spiritual, etc. A few people view themselves first as a part of a family or couple, so they initially think about things they want to do with their spouse/family. While of course married men and women should maintain individuality, there are some particular times in life when it is especially important to view yourself as part of a team, rather than as an individual goal-seeker. Times of transition or crisis are two such examples.

Marriage and family researcher John Gottman, PhD, studied couples transitioning to parenthood; some had a more difficult adjustment and others fared better. He found that when as new parents, husbands and wives were able to move from a “state of me-ness” to a state of “we-ness,” whereby they sacrificed for the team, they were able to make a successful adjustment.

You may also know some marriages (or maybe even yours), that tend to have a fair amount of conflict. These couples may disagree about how to spend time or money, how to parent, etc. They view one another as being on opposite sides of a tennis net, hitting those issues back and forth, over and over. One couple I interviewed from California said they felt like they were on a long path heading in different directions. After a difficult reconciliation, they felt like they were climbing a steep mountain—but they were doing it together. Eventually, they felt they reached the top. Essentially, they figured out how to become part of the same team, although the struggles of the world did not disappear.

Another couple I interviewed recently was absolutely devastated at the death of their infant child. Their marriage became severely fractured when they were unable to see themselves as part of a couple, but rather saw themselves as individually experiencing such deep sorrow and pain in their own unique ways that they were unable to connect with one another. After a series of events, they finally began grieving together and slowly began to heal and grow in their relationship.

It is not always simple to make this change to move to the same side of the net. Often, a counselor, pastor or mentor can help. I detail in my book on how these couples achieved this successful transition after overcoming some extreme obstacles. However, even in everyday life, it can be challenging to view issues and opportunities as a couple. Did you both agree on where you took your last vacation, or how you celebrate the holidays? If your family has one breadwinner, do you discuss job changes, promotions and relocations before making decisions? If you are parents, do you make parenting decisions privately, then present them with unity?

I enjoy watching my young kids play soccer. Frequently, I see two teammates struggling with each other for the ball, when an opponent is not near them. You often hear the coach yell, “Same team!” I think it’s the same for marriage: If we spend all our time struggling with one another, when the real opponents come around (and they will come), we won’t have a fighting chance. Do you feel like you’re on the same team, or do you need a coach to help create unity?

Protect Your Marriage from an Emotional Affair

While you may be confident that your marriage isn’t at risk for a sexual affair, you may be blind to the very real and harmful risks of an emotional affair. A recent article posted by CNN.com and Oprah.com describes emotional affairs, which lack physical intimacy but do involve some secrecy, deception and betrayal.

Often an emotional affair can begin very innocently with a friendship from work, church or the neighborhood. A flirtatious online relationship can also develop into an emotional affair. Couples who are not emotionally connecting are at greatest risk of falling into an emotional affair with another person. This new connection brings about a fresh excitement, a spark, especially when someone you find attractive shows a sincere interest in you as a person and “gets” you even more than you feel your spouse does.

Emotional affairs may be on the rise. In the CNN article, psychiatrist Gail Saltz says, “Though emotional affairs have always been around, I’m seeing more of them among my clients than ever before. We’ve all grown so used to watching, reading, and hearing sexually suggestive material that there’s no longer an obvious verbal or physical line we think we’re crossing.”

She says a man and woman can be friends, but once they stop telling their partners how much time they’re spending together (including texting, phone calls or other communication), it becomes deceptive. Other signs of an emotional affair include making sure you look your best when you’re together and confiding more in this person than you do your spouse, or sharing that you are unhappy in your marriage or with your spouse.

Saltz says this kind of affair can be as harmful and difficult to overcome as a sexual affair. She advises that all contact with the “friend” needs to end, and the difficult marriage rebuilding needs to occur, ideally with professional help. The betrayal can be extremely difficult on the spouse, and cause a huge fracture in the marriage. The reasons for the affair (disconnect in the marriage) need to be addressed.

Preventing these inappropriate relationships is the best course, starting with maintaining open, honest communication with your spouse. “When a couple can’t express their feelings, concerns, and dreams, they’re both at risk for betrayal,” says Saltz. Secondly, avoid sharing too much personal information, especially with a member of the opposite sex. If you find someone attractive, keep some distance or engage with them only when your spouse is present.

“Any good marriage takes time, effort and emotional energy,” says Saltz, who says any marriage can fall into this trap. Would you risk your marriage with an emotional affair? Is there a relationship in your life that causes your heart to beat a little faster? Beware.

Is Your Family Seeking Pleasure, Happiness or Joy?

What do you want most for your children? Really think about it for a minute…(Are you thinking?) I’ve heard a lot of parents say what they really want more than anything is for their children to be happy. To that response, I ask, really? Is the pursuit of personal happiness really the best and highest calling for your child? What are you seeking for yourself—pleasure, happiness, maybe joy? What do these even mean?

Of course I don’t want my children to be unhappy, but to be honest, sometimes a little unhappiness is necessary for them to understand a lesson and to grow as people. The same goes for me, unfortunately. I don’t think we should expect to be happy all the time. Stress, illness and death are part of life. Work and sacrifice can be good qualities, but aren’t particularly pleasant. If we teach our children to pursue only happiness, why would they want to help others when it is inconvenient? Why would they strive to impact the world in a positive fashion? That just takes their focus off of their goal of happiness.

Interestingly, the happiest couples I have interviewed have been the ones who are truly seeking to make their spouse happy before themselves. It’s a cycle and a process that continues to reward each of them.

Pleasure is often a good thing—enjoying the scent of the flowering trees as you drive by, tasting the grilled salmon that you craved for dinner, touching your spouse or children lovingly, hearing the sound of the birds outside your kitchen window. Opening our senses to feel and truly experience pleasure is wonderful.

Pleasure can also be very self-serving. A popular web site (whose name I won’t promote) calls itself “the world’s premier discreet dating service” and has a trademarked tag line: “Life is short. Have an affair.” They promise, “Join free, and change your life today. Guaranteed!” Yes, your life will be changed, but not for the better. Their invitation to “Sleep with someone else’s wife tonight,” may entice those whose ultimate goal is personal pleasure. But will these exclusive members experience happiness or joy?

In Surprised by Joy, C.S. Lewis, describes joy as a “technical term that must be sharply distinguished from both Happiness and Pleasure.” He says, “The only thing Joy has in common with the others is that anyone who has experienced it will want it again.” Where Joy differs, he continues, is that anyone who has tasted joy would never exchange it for all the pleasures in the world. “But then Joy is never in our power and Pleasure often is.” Yes, there’s the rub, joy we have to wait for, and pleasure (and even happiness to some extent) we can go in search of.

Joy, I think, is a much deeper satisfaction, bliss, the opposite of misery and regret, a connection to the divine. It’s not really within our power, but I think it can result from a multitude of right choices, even of self-sacrifice and love for others. It seems sort of counter-intuitive that by not prioritizing your own pleasure, you can achieve a deeper enjoyment, but I think it’s true. That’s not to say pleasure can’t still be a part of your life, but there are higher priorities.

In your marriage, in your financial decisions, in how you raise and instruct your children, what do you think is most important for them to learn? Where do you hope to lead your spouse and family, and what example will you show? I wish you Joy.

Number of Unwed Mothers Rises Sharply in U.S. & Worldwide

When I see my children with their father, I can’t imagine their lives without him there on a daily basis. The bond they share is as close as theirs to me, but it’s different in many ways. Fathers provide not only a vital role in child rearing, but also in supporting and assisting mothers and in demonstrating to children how a man should treat a woman. Apparently in the U.S., fewer and fewer children are enjoying this important bond with their fathers.

The number of children being born to single mothers has risen sharply in recent years, according to The Washington Post. This trend is being attributed not to teen parents, but to women in their 20s and 30s who are choosing to have children without being married. Nearly 40% (4 of every 10 births) are now to unmarried women, up from 18% in 1980.

Some causal factors being discussed include a lower social stigma associated with unmarried motherhood, an increase in cohabitation and delaying of marriage, and an increase in financially independent and older women deciding to have children on their own (for instance after delaying having children until their career was established).

The Post cited some experts giving positive reasons more women are now single mothers, for instance in the past more were compelled to give up children for adoption or coerced into abortions, and now pregnancy to a single mother is common. Other experts said “the trend is disturbing because children who grow up without stable, two-parent families tend not to fare as well.” (Just a note: I think it’s clear there are many single moms who do an excellent job given a difficult set of circumstances, and they should be acknowledged.) 

Worldwide, this trend is even more apparent, according to USA Today. In Northern European countries, marriage rates are substantially lower than in the U.S. Iceland has the highest number of out-of-wedlock births, with 6 in 10 births to unmarried women. There are some differences between the U.S. and other countries, however. “U.S. mothers are more likely to be single parents because the non-married relationship doesn’t tend to last very long,” says demographer Patrick Heuveline, so many more of these children in the U.S. are born to single mothers without fathers present. In European countries these births tend to be in two-parent cohabitations, to parents who are in a stable union but unmarried.

How do you react to these statistics? How do you think these trends will affect the next generation of Americans? Does marriage provide any value to society or is it a dying institution? Do you think fathers are vital or optional to children’s upbringing?

7 Small Things You Can Do Today to Improve Your Marriage

Sometimes people are looking for the magic pill or the one right answer that will improve their marriage. The successful couples I have interviewed have not always followed the same path to success. Many of them have faced extreme adversity. However, most of them share some common behaviors and attitudes. There are plenty of simple things you can do—this very day, requiring very little time or effort—to improve your marriage. Here are some ideas:

1. Perform a very small kindness for your partner. Leave a sticky note on the mirror that says I love you. Send them a quick email with appreciation for something they did. Give them a genuine compliment. Call a babysitter and book her for a future night out. One man I interviewed mails his wife notes from the office even when he is not traveling. He sometimes leaves a note under her pillow if he is going on a trip.
2. Find something to laugh about together. Is there something one of your kids or pets did that was amusing? Call and tell them. Rent a funny movie, or tell him a funny story from work. Share a private joke at a party. A well-developed sense of humor can carry you through some tough times together.
3. Spend five or 10 minutes during the day or just before bed talking/connecting—with no TV or kids nearby.
4. Consider holding back one criticism today, especially if it really isn’t that big of a deal. If something is really bothering you, find the right time and place to have that discussion.
5. Touch is important. Kiss him hello or goodbye (a real kiss); hug her after the dishes are done. Rub your partner’s back, or run your fingers through his hair. Hold hands while you take a walk. Sit close while you’re watching TV.
6. Plan something fun for the future. It can be in 15 years when the kids are grown or next weekend, but have something you both look forward to. Make a list of places you would like to go or things you would like to do together “one day.”
7. Be consciously grateful for the good things in your life, even when you have some very bad things happening. Talk to your partner about what you are thankful for in life in general and in your marriage and family. Many couples found this to be a conscious decision during a difficult time, that they would focus on the good in their lives.

Which one are you going to do today? Make a mental note of your spouse’s reaction and try another one tomorrow. Do you find your spouse is responsive?